Fair Fighting Agreements

Resolving Conflict Well

Have you ever gotten in an argument with a loved one and regretted things you said or did, after-the-fact?  Are you frustrated with how volatile your relationship is at times or conversely, are you avoiding conflict at all costs?

Conflict in relationships can actually help to deepen understanding and connection with others when done fairly.  It lets us know what's important to the other person, what's important to us, and gives us a chance to express ourselves so that there can be greater understanding, care and compromise.

Be mindful of the other person's cultural background/family norms et al.  I recommend you schedule a time and sit down with your partner when you both are calm enough and generally in a good place.  You can create a list individually (sharing afterwards) or collaboratively at the same time.  

Suggested Fair Fighting Agreements

1. No threats or actual physical violence, damaging property, or verbal abuse.
2. Avoid below-the-belt tactics including shaming, blaming, diagnosing, interrogating or dictating.
3. Don't threaten to end the relationship at the height of conflict.
4. No silent treatments or cold withdrawals.
5. Take breaks to cool down when necessary but also make sure to resolve at a later time.  No icing out.
6. Focus on one issue at a time.
7. Use true "I" statements, not ones meant to attack or blame the other person.
8. Be specific about your needs, instead of expecting them to read your mind or being so evasive there can be no measurable change.
9. Make requests, not demands.
10. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
11. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict.

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