Fair Fighting Agreements

Having conflict and resolving it well helps build intimacy in relationships.

But there are ways that conflict can be destructive too.

Creating fair fighting agreements in relationships can keep us on track.

1.  No Violence

No threats of or actually violence, damaging property or verbal assaults

2.  No Contempt

No expressions of superiority, disdain, condescension or shame

3.  No Threats of Break-Up

No threats to end the relationship while in the heat of conflict

4.  No Icing Out

No manipulative silent treatments or cold withdrawals

5.  No Dumping

No bringing up multiple past grievances to "win" an argument

6.  Use "I Statements"

Speak about your own personal feelings and reactions using "I statements."

7.  Assert Needs

Be specific about your needs.  Make requests, not demands.

8.  Focus & Be Direct

Stick to one issue at a time.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.

9.  Take Responsibility

Take responsibility for your part by offering a true apology when appropriate.

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