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Successful Couples Counseling

1/4/2019

20 Comments

 
Couples Counseling Improves Relationships

Couples Counseling Improves Relationships

Have you ever been curious if couples counseling could improve your relationship?  Do you want outside help to create a better relationship or to end your relationship amicably? Whether you’re in a high-conflict or conflict-avoidant relationship, whether you’re interested in rebuilding trust, communicating more effectively, or deepening vulnerability and intimacy with your partner(s), couples counseling with the right therapist and the right conditions, can be very effective.
While divorce rates continue to be around 40% for married couples and 1/2 of these happening within the first 7 years of marriage, research also shows that those who receive couples counseling fair far better, than other relationships that don’t.

Effectiveness:
  • A Consumer Reports Study published in November 1995, the largest study to date on the effectiveness of psychotherapies, showed substantial benefits from psychotherapy, but also rated couples therapy as one of the lowest in client satisfaction.
  • I imagine a part of why we see a certain level of dissatisfaction for couples counseling is that 70% of therapists provide couples counseling even though not all of these therapists are licensed marriage and family therapists or have adequate training in providing couples counseling.  Couples counseling often requires the therapist to be more involved and directive than they might otherwise be in individual counseling.
  • Another reason for this level of dissatisfaction is that many couples have unrealistic expectations for what therapy can do and many couples wait far too long before entering treatment.
  • However, the good news is that a recent article in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy entitled, “Research on the Treatment of Couple Distress,” looked at a ten year span of couples counseling research from 2000 – 2009.
  • This research found that couples counseling provided positive benefits for 70% of couples.  This is virtually identical to results for individual counseling.​
Couples Counseling Benefits

Couples Counseling: Top 10 Tips

  1. Start Early:  The more you can be pro-active and prevent future harm, the better.  Get couples therapy as early as possible before patterns get entrenched and irreparable damage is done.
  2. Have Realistic Expectations:  Know that this takes consistent and ongoing work.  It won’t necessarily be a quick and easy process. A hoped for expectation can be that therapist will side with you in pointing out all of your partner’s flaws and naming you the good/right one.  This isn’t how couples therapy works.
  3. Be Willing:  All parties in a relationship need to be in full agreement to doing relationship counseling for it to work best.  You can’t force your partner to do something against their will and expect that it’s gonna work out very well. There needs to be at least partial buy-in and willingness, even if there’s some fear, anxiety or apprehension about beginning.  I get that it can be extra vulnerable for many to put ourselves out there for couples counseling because we can’t control what our partner says about us and it’s often not very flattering, but we at least need to give full consent to being uncomfortable at times, for the greater good of improving our relationship.
  4. Self-Reflect:  One of the most frequent things I hear, especially in the beginning of couples therapy, is blame.  All parties in a relationship need to take full responsibility for their part in where their relationship is at, not take ownership of what the other person is responsible for and be open to learning more about themselves.
  5. Actively Participate:  Consistently take actions in/outside of therapy to build a better relationship.  Couples may only meet once/week with a therapist so there needs to be active participation in improving the relationship outside of session too.
  6. Communicate Differently:   Practice new communication skills daily to build strength in doing them when they’re needed most.  It’s kind of like building muscles or endurance at the gym. It takes regular practice to do so.
  7. Stop Unfair Fighting:  Unfair fighting damages our relationships.  Creating and following through on relationship agreements, can dramatically improve a high-conflict and/or hostile relationship, or at least make it safer to BE in a particular relationship.
  8. Prioritize:  Prioritize your relationship by doing couples counseling and out-of-session work for at least 3-6 months to see what’s possible.  If nothing else, you know you’ve done due diligence in trying to repair/improve your relationship and you’ve hopefully developed new skills that can better all your relationships — with co-workers, friendships, family and others.
  9. ​Respect No-Secrets Policy:  Don’t share secrets with your therapist that you don’t want shared with your partner(s).  This allows for everyone to be operating with the same information, to do collaborative work.  Part of my No-Secrets Policy is that whatever information is shared with me privately — in-person, text, fax, email, voicemail — is shared with your partner at the next available scheduled appointment.  Otherwise, things can get way too complicated and detract from making progress in therapy.
  10. Do Individual Work:  Learning and growing as an individual positively affects your relationship.  Individual work can include a meditation/yoga practice, mindfulness in everyday life, individual therapy or any particular method that helps YOU get to know yourself better and live more authentically/compassionately in the world.  This is an ongoing process we’re hopefully doing for the rest of our lives.
Gay Couples Counseling
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20 Comments
Alec Burns link
12/27/2019 12:02:35 pm

It's good that you point out that couples therapy can help you improve your relationship. My relationship with my wife has been deteriorating, and I'm considering going to couples therapy with her to help save it. I'm going to look for a good therapist in the area that offers couples counseling.

Reply
Bob Newton link
10/14/2020 08:47:15 am

It's interesting that you mention that couples therapy can help improve your communication with your partner. My wife and I have been getting into a lot of petty arguments for the past few months, so I'm thinking about trying couples therapy with her. I'm going to search for a reputable psychologist in my area that offers couples therapy.

Reply
rachel frampton link
10/20/2020 02:16:42 am

My husband and I are going through the rough stage of our marriage right now, which is why we're thinking of consulting with an adult therapist that will help us out. Well, it's great that you elaborated that a therapist must be involved and directive. Thank you for sharing here that couples counseling provides benefits for most couples.

Reply
Conrad O'Connor link
10/23/2020 12:00:33 pm

Thank you for highlighting the fact that going to couples therapy can help you improve your communication with your spouse. I've been having a difficult time communicating with my wife for the past year, so I'm considering going to couples counseling with her. I'm going to search for a reputable provider of counseling services in the area that offers couples therapy.

Reply
Taylor Hicken link
11/18/2020 06:38:28 pm

I totally agree when you mentioned going to couple's counseling will help them to self-reflect rather than blaming each other for not being good enough. A friend of mine just told me last week that she is thinking to take a break from her partner since she does not feel happy being with him as they always fight lately. I will suggest to her going to couple's counseling so they can reflect on themselves and improve the relationship.

Reply
Zachary Tomlinson link
11/24/2020 06:05:22 am

I like what you said about how a couple's counseling session can help in rekindling the fire within their relationship by rebuilding trust. I have a friend who recently learned that his partner was cheating on him. I should share this with him so that they can try this out before its too late.

Reply
Jonathan Hansen link
12/10/2020 08:57:17 am

It's interesting that you mention that couples counselling can improve communication between you and your partner. My girlfriend and I have been getting into a lot of heated arguments lately, so I'm considering going to relationship counselling with her. I'm going to search for a reputable provider of relationship counselling in the area to use.

Reply
Fred Gibbons link
12/11/2020 12:52:25 pm

It's great that you mention that going to couples counseling can help you and your partner communicate better. I've been having a hard time communicating with my wife for the past few weeks, so I'm considering going to marriage counseling with her. I'm going to look for a reputable therapist in our area that offers marriage counseling.

Reply
Nelson Fogerty link
12/14/2020 11:10:23 am

It's interesting that this article mentions that couples counseling can help you and your partner communicate better. My girlfriend and I have been getting into a lot of arguments for the past few weeks, so I'm thinking about seeing a therapist for couples counseling. I'm going to search for a reputable therapist in our area that offers couples counseling to use.

Reply
Adam Golightly link
12/29/2020 09:34:37 am

My aunt has been thinking about getting some better counseling with her husband. She would really like to get some help from a professional in order to be more effective. I liked what you said about how they should both be willing in order for it to work best.

Reply
Melony M. McClary link
1/11/2021 05:17:12 am

Essentially wish to state your article is as astounding. The clearness in your post is just incredible, and I could expect you are a specialist regarding this matter.

Reply
Rebecca Gardner link
1/29/2021 12:41:12 pm

It's good to know that waiting too long before getting treatment will make it harder to be satisfied by the couples counseling. My husband and I have been struggling to communicate effectively with each other and have fought almost every day for the last month. Reading your article helped me feel motivated to address the issue through couples counseling instead of just hoping that things will get better soon.

Reply
Braden Bills link
3/25/2021 06:45:34 am

My friend has been having a hard time with his marriage. It makes sense that getting the right counseling could be beneficial. I'll make sure that my friend knows to get a professional to help out with that.

Reply
Adam Golightly link
3/29/2021 01:27:40 pm

My cousin has been thinking about getting some counseling for her marriage because she wants to have a better relationship. She would really like to get some help from a professional in order to be more effective. Thanks for your tips about how they should both actively participate in the therapy.

Reply
kate hansen link
4/5/2021 01:33:54 pm

It was really helpful when you said to get couples counseling as soon as possible. My sister was telling me last night about how she and her husband have been dealing with arguing more frequently, and they were wondering if they should try counseling. I'll make sure to pass this information along to them so that they can know more tips about getting couples counseling!

Reply
Charlotte Fleet link
4/29/2021 12:54:24 pm

I like how you mentioned that the earlier couples start counseling, the better. My sister and her husband want to improve their relationship. I will recommend that they start couples counseling as soon as possible.

Reply
Kristofer Van Wagner link
5/21/2021 02:55:55 pm

I love that this post reminded us that couples counselling is effective when both parties are willing to work it out. My friend is going through a divorce. Maybe I can suggest him to hire a counsellor to smooth things out.

Reply
Beverly Minyard link
8/12/2021 09:01:39 am

I like that you mentioned that counseling can help you practice new communications skills. My wife and I have been having a hard time communicating with each other and we want to see if counseling could help us figure that out. We just need someone to help us understand new and better ways of communicating with each other.

Reply
Greta James link
3/9/2022 05:27:49 am

Thanks for pointing out that couples counseling can help you practice and build new communication skills. My husband and I tend to avoid any topics that will lead to an argument, primarily because we don't know hoe to communicate without becoming critical or defensive. I think that marriage counseling would really help us.

Reply
Tex Hooper link
9/8/2022 03:13:23 pm

I think you are right about prioritizing your relationship for 6 months in therapy. My brother's marriage is on the rocks. It sounds like they need a counselor to help out.

Reply



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