Why Am I Drawn to Unavailable People?

Exploring our Blind Spots

If we want to be in a long term relationship but keep finding ourselves with someone who isn’t available, it’s likely there’s something unconscious going on.

The more we can be curious, instead of judgmental, the more we can look at our blind spots to increase self-awareness about this dynamic and make subsequent changes.

How does choosing unavailable people fulfill our unconscious needs?

We may be unconsciously looking to resolve a missed childhood experience of being loved and attended to but choose people that cannot give us that.

When we find ourselves in patterns, it is serving something for us.

How it serves us (aka secondary gains):

• Highlighting the original wound
• Feeling power in being the victim
• Rallying others around for support
• Avoiding fear of being with someone available​

If we are choosing unavailable people, is there a part of us that is also unavailable?

It’s easier for us to blame someone else for being unavailable than it is for us to acknowledge our own fear of being vulnerable in relationships.

What part of being in a relationship are we not fully ready to commit to yet?

This pattern may also be an unconscious strategy to protect ourselves from the fear of losing our independence and/or the risk of falling in love and having our heart broken.

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